Wednesday, March 15, 2017

Taking My Old Shit to Fertilize the Flowers

I guess I owe you an explanation dear world.  I spent months telling you my secrets and divulging my inner workings and thoughts and struggles and then I took them all away in the press of a button.  I hit delete and disappeared much like I used to do in relationships in my early 20s before the day I met Mr. S.  I laughed with you, spent all my time with you and then poof- radio silence, no return phone calls, no silly messages support and certainly not a glimpse of me around.  But unlike in my 20s when I would run from the complications of possible commitments, I am sticking through this relationship with myself and my sobriety.

I've been spending a lot of time looking inward to listen to the inner voice I have spent so long trying to silence.  I hate it, but her thoughts and her feelings, my true thoughts and feeling that I have been pushing down for a couple of weeks, were telling me to take a step back.  To be silent in my quest.  To focus on the minute, on the hour and on the present.  This space which was so crucial in my first few days became a constant reminder of where I was, not where I want to be.

Also, as I have mentioned before, I have been going to AA meetings and I have been doing the readings and have had some major eye openers.  For a start, AA is about being anonymous. I think that I should have thought a bit about that before I shared my blog with friends and family.  Suddenly I was censoring my need and my struggles for fear of hurting anyone close. Also, some of the posts were hurting others dear to me and the fights and guilt and remorse were far worse than keeping the feelings inside.  The blog was supposed to be for me to heal myself, but I never set out to hurt anyone in the process.

What does this all mean?  I haven't deleted the account.  I am still around.  I am quietly lurking in your blogs reading them and loving them and cheering you on. And I hope to be back.  I hope in a few months, as I continue to turn my shit into fertilizer, that I will feel ready to plant something new in this space and watch it flourish.  May the flowers grow as we do and may the seeds we plant now continue to bloom for they come out of the best, richest, and hardest earned soil and manure.  I have missed you all, but I am still here.  Love and hope and hugs all around.

Mrs. S